Cracker - A daily routine.

You always know when things are ending. A friendship or a relationship or maybe when that last bite takes the life out of a cookie. Most of the time these endings don't end well (except for the cookie bit), or so my past experiences have taught me.

I feel that I'm going to lose my companion soon. I watch him lying on my bed, facing me, not sleeping but his eyes dull and staring at nothingness. Two days ago he was still running about, asking for turkey from my father; three days ago we were playing catching after I returned from grocery shopping with the family. It's been 12 years, and I shudder whenever I think of sleeping without his back curled up against my stomach, or that I sleep through afternoons without his warm smelly morning breath waking me up.

I don't know what he's looking at.

Today we brought Cracker to the vet, who said his abdominal distension is quite bad, that his arthritis is bad too. "No quality of life," she said, especially since it hurts when he stands, and hurts when he lies down too. He got blood withdrawn for a test, and we're still waiting.

I got him when I was six, at age whereby I knew nothing about healthcare of an animal but I knew all about loving one. He's got all the love I can ever give. It's amazing to imagine having walked, bathed, slept with, groomed and fed an animal for 12 whole years. But in giving love I had failed to read up on what my dog really needs. He's not sterilised, not vaccinated, his teeth not cleaned. Which is why those years of inadequate care are taking its toll on him now.

If I could turn back time I would get all those medical requirements met and checked. To prevent what is happening now. He is not lifeless, but he is like a trying motorcar low on gasoline; the fuel tank locked.

I've always thought about the day when he leaves. With death, as I've come to learnt, comes three types of emotions: grief, regret, and fear. I can deal with grief and regret, but it's the fear that I so often fail to overcome. The fear of my own sadness. Sadness overwhelms me and swallows me. With each death I've faced I feel a little bit of me chipping away, and I understand when I no longer feel comfortable in the shell that once lived a happy soul. Happiness thereafter became something that rode on momentum. It needs the initial push but it does not come comfortably, after awkward smiles and the forgetfulness of the mind.

I've met people who have learnt how to deal with the death of loved ones, especially as you're growing old. Sometimes I wonder if I'd like to be able to deal with death without feeling remorse over the lack of sadness. The passing requires an adequate amount of tears as a means of compensation.

Of course I've always known that the day would come.

For the past two days I've woken in the middle of the night to see Cracker's head off my arm, looking into the darkness of the room. I take him out and he walks around the house as if aimlessly. But I noticed, he visits the spots where Peipei used to lie. The black and white cupboards along the corridor, under the sofa, and sometimes he scratches the floor mat where Peipei used to lie and rests there, something he never quite did before.

He didn't have such a string of medical problems. When he was younger he was diagnosed with a blood disorder and arthritis (yes, already when he was young). My sister said, "He's a puppy mill dog." And I understand why. But after those initial medical appointments (during which my mother refused for him to be put on long term steroid medication) he was fine for the years thereafter. He lived for maybe a 8 or 9 years without ever having to visit the vet. This year, or this month of December, he's visited the vet for about 3 times already. Sometimes I wonder if it's purely old age and sickness, but sometimes I link it to the death of Peipei. Surely it can't be just a coincidence that such episodes are happening only after her death?

How should I say this. I guess I'm just preparing.

POTOBOM. (35 photos? Not really then.)

This is Mother Ang's birthday about a month ago.


CCN Day at the vet tech booth, which sold Science Diet stuff + grooming products. Over at the animal facility some other coursemates were doing grooming.


Laughing about. We were trying to do the different faces of the guys. CY's just so weird.


Andrian's big mouth face.


Colonel's serious gek-sai face.


CY's pouty pout.


And 1 weirdo.


Mummy's real celebration. She was sleeping but we had a candles to blow out.................


She eventually woke up to cut the cake because you can imagine us literally laughing out loud in her face. Then of cuz there were some cats making out. When my ma woke up to sit on the black armchair, the animals gathered around her as if we were having some Noah's Ark thinking going on.


Tired faces after working at a car show, where Dora got picked up and leered at at her booth and while I stuck at mine giving out flyers and betting with my "boss" the number of lpool and arsenal fans and which club had more fans at the carshow. The boss was creepy though yuck.


E4 gathering at Joel's. Was watching the guys FIFA in the game room.


Basketball BBQ plus Mr Choo's farewell!


SCHOLARS LEADERS??!!


Ann's 19th. All our group shots were blur!


KC and I ;)


Also cleared my desk again and changed the layout a tiny bit.


BIG CAT.


Timetable, sucky timetable.


Bake-a-failure with Jessica. Burnt cheesecake above. Havent been making cheesecakes in like 2 years i think. Gonna make a no-bake next time.


Jessica's scones. Tasteless scones. Blue scones cause of the blueberry. But I ate them with Smucker's jam and it wasnt too bad.


Psycho face.


She can't do a psycho face though I told her to.


OH. must also mention we turned up in the same colour AGAIN. we were supposed to head to the AWRC to volunteer but Marinna said they didnt need volunteers so we baked instead. Remember the other time we met we wore ELECTRIC BLUE and... like... sheesh man. IT CAN'T JUST BE A COINCIDENCE.


A baby lizard Ginkgo and Cadbury tossed and mauled and chewed to death. Without a tail, and its arms flailing.


Updating the scrapbook. Usually what's inside are receipts and postits and polaroids so nothing much there!






Ghostcat.


OH we were also both wearing charity shirts. I was wearing Cat Welfare's and she was wearing ACRES'.


I12KATONG with Zinc and Dodo! The mall is quite exquisite. I mean, CARPET FLOORS!? Anyway the eateries there were too expensive so we ate at the hawker centre at Old Airport Road instead. Sataybeehoon yum!


Christmas shopping + Alvin and the Chipmunks 3 with KT! We always catch the chipmunk movies together. Thing about chipmunk songs is that they're so autotuned I can barely hear what they're singing!


On the same day, Christmas gathering at Yinghui's with the TP ballers!


Christmas eve with Jacob, Yicheng. Yiheng and Weibing came on a pretty last minute decision. We had dinner at the handburger. We caught 50/50 which I felt was quite nice but not really memorable. We had supper at lau pa sat. Prior to supper we were hungrily looking for a place to eat but Macs was crowded and everything else was too expensive. Then we shared a Botak Jones' chicken meal. Obviously being a vegetarian I just ate the potatoes on the side. and they were so yummy!


Christmas tea this evening with the extended family. This shot was taken post-soccer so we look pretty sweaty. Plus I was top scorer of the day. I'm fantastic like that. Playing with the kids is always fun so here's a boring video of us playing and acting like kids. The warning is that it is long and mundane to other people but so amusing to me (and my sister) when I watch it.

Festive love, but not only.

Christmas was pretty great this year. Friends and family, people I love, so I guess I'm like super fortunate! Sheesh man. Been chalking up so much things I think I'm just gonna do a photobomb. Not as in like, photobomb a shot or shit like that. Literally bomb of photos. Coming your way oh yes it is.

Then again, it's not a lot of photos!

K so, I love my family and my good pals.

p.s about the vlog... thinking twice about that now! Probably never gonna do it again.

Ray Lamontagne - Shelter

Why does Ray LaMontagne look like Jesus? Anyway, he's amazing. Ray, I mean.

SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYPE

I LOVE TALKING TO BEKNAZAR ON SKYPE!
although half the time i don't know what he's saying!

50% of the time = CAN YOU HEAR ME!? CAN YOU HEAR ME!?

I tried making my first video today

I WAS SO AWKWARD AND MY VOICE SOUNDED SO WEIRD AND MY NOSE WAS/IS SO HUGE AND KAHJUN'S RIGHT!

Cracker, in bits.

Vlog

I'll start a vlog soon cause I'm lazy to type nowadays. Typing is for serious stuff.

So excited so many things to tell y'all but till then.

Songs that make me wanna dance

That I love

1. John Mayer - Everyday I Have the Blues (Where the Light Is)
2. Paolo Nutini - Coming Up Easy
3. Andrew Bird - A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left
4. She and Him - In the Sun
5. Belle and Sebastian - The Blues are Still Blue
6. Lykke Li - Rich Kids Blues
7. Lykke Li - Youth Knows No Pain
8. Garbage - Cherry Lips

But I can't dance.

National education

Never really thought I'd want to do it, even if circumstances forced me to. But I'm really convinced that I'd migrate (is emigrate = migrate? I'm still not sure about that!) to somewhere foreign, South Africa or something. I think I'd love it there.

Five for...

Today I spelt 'fighting' as 'fiting'. An honest mistake.

Songs with days

That I love:

1. John Mayer - St. Patrick's Day
2. Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning
3. Rachael Yamagata - Sunday Afternoon
4. Andrew Bird - Opposite Day
5. Belle and Sebastian - Another Sunny Day
6. Ingrid Michaelson - Oh What a Day
7. NATW - The First Days of Spring
8. She & Him - I Thought I Saw Your Face Today

Life lessons from John Mayer

If you want to be truly intimidating,

If you want to make an impact,

If you want to have strong connections with others

just be sincere.

Sarcasm is not an attitude, and it’s not a personality trait. It’s a style of rhetoric meant to be used occasionally to highlight a larger point. Saying you’re a sarcastic person is like saying your favorite cuisine is salt. Sarcasm is easy because you never have to take a stance. And that’s just the problem; It’s so noncommittal.

When you see someone you’d like to have a conversation with, here’s how you really make your impression felt. I promise you’ll be remembered for it: “hello.” I don’t know when the lines got crossed and it was deemed attractive to be ambiguous and critical. Girls don’t like it when guys do it and guys don’t like it when girls do it. I live in a city of cool people with the absolute worst PR representatives: themselves.

Be yourself, even if that means being unsure or uneasy. Let someone else put you at ease. Meet them in the middle. Be sincere.


Reminds me of my own beliefs. I dont change myself to fit into the party. I be myself - awkward and silent among people I feel unfamiliar with. I don't giggle and make jokes with them. I don't compliment them unless I think it's worth it. Sometimes people misunderstand me. Which is why if you're my Friend then you're such a damn lucky person. And a pretty smart person too.

And which is why I've got his words engraved on my back.

Calico

I feel so sad whenever I think about Cali the Pregnant Stray. I managed to scruff her yesterday and as I was putting her into the carrier, I think I loosened my grip on her neck and she took off. My mother didn't see her tonight. I wonder where she is. But I tell my sisters that I hate her and I don't want to see her anymore.

Real time.

It was a pretty good day at school today, though it left me sleeping on the bus with a headache which I'm still having now. Perhaps I would say that it was more of an odd day today. I was overwhelmed with feelings of anger and happiness all at the same time. I think it was the way we dealt with the circumstances. We made jokes about it. Whatever anger left from our boiling jokes dissipated into the air soon enough, just as well.

I'm sitting in the dining room now. The silent heart of the home. Listening to Paul Tiernan intercalated with the loud angry voice of my father ranting about the day's work. Watching the cats, some sprawled on the floor, some exploring the dark kitchen in search of some roaches. Suddenly two of them burst into a sprint and they're chasing each other now, knocking chairs out of their places and skidding on the floor rags. I'm thinking about how I should start on my revision soon, but I can't push myself to. It's a dangerous position to be in, what with the semestral tests next week and I've barely got 10% of the content into my head. I'm trying not to worry about that.

"The sun doesn't like you, you always get burned," sings Norah Jones.

Oh to be jolly.

I can almost confirm that for the past week I was PMS-ing.

What scares you

The music of violins haunts.

Songs with whistles

That I love:

1. John Mayer - Stop This Train (Where the Light Is)
2. Noah and the Whale - 5 Years' Time
3. Paolo Nutini - Daydream (Live sessions)
4. Andrew Bird - Cataracts

Of baking

My god, how changed a person am I.

I've really really changed. It's so amusing.
I could never have seen the change coming in this way.
Quieter, stranger, awkward, lonelier.

I think I like me better now.

It takes a worried girl to write a worried post.

I should stop dreaming about running away to a place like South Africa just to live with elephants.

Recently I think I've been plagued with panic attacks. High on the list would be the fear of coming home to find my dog dead, or that my mom would call me on my old cell and say, "Cracker's dead." and i'd imagine myself crying and flagging a cab to rush home. Each time I think about it I feel like crying and I feel like dying. I don't think I'll ever be ready.

Panic attacks also come in the form of worry - am I able to handle the term tests, will I pass. Content heavy subjects like animal diseases certainly make matters worse.

Panic attacks about my future. It does make me panic. I don't know what I want to do in life anymore. The other day the vet of the clinic I worked at told me honestly that vets in Singapore rarely earn back what they spent on their education. I was also told that what we study, sometimes, have no relation to what we do in practice. In terms of veterinary studies, so often does experience come first.

Panic attacks about living. I keep thinking I'll get knocked down by a car or get stabbed in the back (literally) one day. Then it's so weird that whenever some old uncle walks behind me when I'm alone I do secretly hope that he stabs me.

I was thinking about how nice afterlife would be. To be a ghost can't be too bad. I can float around and visit people and make them think they're dreaming. I could visit loves lost and good friends and make a joke out of climbing into their windows without them knowing I was dead. Of course I would do it before my body was discovered.

WHO SAYS I CANT GET STONED

I'm gonna steer clear
I burn up in your atmosphere