To all my friends

Who keep showing that they care about me, the people I've always known all along. Thanks so much.

Today I came home to a personally delivered letter left on my table. My cat was lying on top of it. I had to tug it away from under his flab.

Reading it somehow made me feel better. I did cry. But then again i cry whenever I'm at home now. Little bits and pieces here and there. Like the other day I came home and Junior started barking and I thought I heard Cracker and in that snap of a moment I really thought he was there but then a fraction of a second later I realised that it couldn't be.

Or this morning, for example. I was done watching the Champions League game and in my half-sleep-half-wake composure I almost called out to Cracker to follow me back to my room.

He wakes with me and sleeps with me. Goes wherever I go.

Like I said a few posts ago that Cracker is a daily routine. Cracker was a daily routine. I miss him so much, and I still love him so much. The old me would love to mourn for weeks and months. But the practical side of me is weaning me off the taps. In short I have my examinations coming up. I can't stay stuck for too long.

Tomorrow I will be collecting Cracker's ashes. I don't know how I will feel. It's something new to me. When I was younger my parents would always take us to the temple to pray to my late grandmother, and I always wondered how they ever managed to squeeze her in the tiny ceramic jar.

What else can I say but this whole segmentation or fragmentation or centrifugation that's separating me from my emotions now, they're forcing me to be okay. I think that when you believe that you're okay, you will be okay.